So We Meet Again

A lot can change in just three years.

After a long and much needed hiatus, I am here now, returning to this abandoned ship I call VagrantTV. But something about this still feels strange... it feels... awkward. Like a baby fawn trying to stand up on its own legs after several failed attempts and continuously wobbling and collapsing. In a way it feels like maybe I shouldn't even bother to write this now, but in another, I still feel that old echo from years ago, the one that always comes back to haunt me. The echo that whispers, "Conclude things properly."

That is certainly one thing I haven't been able to do with VagrantTV since Paul's passing in 2013.

So what was it, exactly? What was it that had changed so drastically in that span of time? Well I haven't been able to come up with a straight answer for myself just yet, but as I sit here and write this to you, I will do my best to dissect what I know, feel, and remember. I suppose the best way for me to work this out in my head would be to go back and revisit where VagrantTV was back in 2013.

Let's rewind.

Two-thousand-thirteen. The year I was starting the process of disconnect. During that time in my life, I was in a much different place. The beginning of the year, while Paul was still with us, I had zero focus on my hobbies and extra-curricular activities. I was up and over my head, busting my ass trying to make my way through first-year college. I was studying graphic design and video production at the time, with a heavy course load, and VagrantTV was no longer an important part of my life. As a matter of fact, I distinctly remember, I had basically waved a white flag, surrendering to things long since passed... none of it no longer felt useful or served much purpose in my life.

That may sound ungrateful for me to say. VagrantTV gave me a lot, and taught me a lot. Not only did it spark my inner-design geek, but it allowed me to play around with Photoshop and a horribly amateur graphic design. It was the perfect outlet for me throughout highschool and in later years, as it was a fun interest of mine and something that I truly enjoyed doing just for the fun of it. But at a certain point, I realized it was no longer what I wanted it to be. Something inside me had changed. None of it felt genuine or playful anymore. I was beginning to take something that started as a joke and as a hobby much too seriously. (See our previous blog entry, "Why I Got Put In Check")

Keeping all of that in mind, I was in a time of transition in my life. I had learned some life lessons here and there about myself, about what I needed and wanted out of life. I was finally beginning to understand what life was truly about - living it - and I took a few tips from Paul himself. He always encouraged his fans to go and lead their own lives, discover themselves, following their own interests instead of spending and wasting their time Googling pictures of him on the Internet - he always encouraged his fans to go outside and do something. Live your own life and take some risks already. Enough with this Internet fandom bullshit.

Or something like that.

Clearly, that wasn't a direct quote out of his mouth. But it's certainly what he lead by example. I think a lot of us got really caught up in the whole social networking craze when Paul Walker jumped on board and started interacting with his fans online. That's how it was for me, anyway. I mean, don't get me wrong, I was always a computer geek at heart... but instead of going out into the real world and living out my own experiences - I would just stay inside, flipping through my Facebook and Twitter feeds, reading about other people's experiences. That just wasn't fulfilling enough for me anymore.

I got to a certain point where I looked at myself and said, "Man, you know what? I'm 22 years old and I haven't really put myself out there yet. What have I truly brought to this world, other than my self-deprecating thoughts, a head full of anxiety and limitations, and a website dedicated to just another guy I admire? I need to start something new."

So there I was, scrambling to find answers, scrambling to find whatever it was I was looking for, some kind of purpose for my existence. I re-evaluated what the Hell it was I was doing. I was starting to become embarrassed of myself and of my life - and VagrantTV, believe it or not, was a part of that. I kept thinking to myself, "I need to take a lesson from this man I keep calling an inspiration to me. I keep hearing about all these amazing things he accomplishes, but how does he do it? Well for starters, he goes out into the world, and he does it."

So with that, the beginning of 2013, I decided to chill out with the whole VagrantTV thing, essentially closed that chapter off in my life, and enrolled myself in college. That was when I finally decided to let go of my "Paul Walker obsession". When I call it an "obsession", I don't mean to say that he was never a man of inspiration to me. He's always been that. I will always admire and respect Paul for his spirit and the things that he stood for in life. He will always be my hero. He's inspired myself as well as countless amounts of others to be the best person that they can be. It was contagious. But I think VagrantTV just magnified my interest in him maybe a little bit too much - yes, I truly wanted to use VagrantTV to shed light on his real side, the more personal aspects of him that many of his fans never really got to see on the big screen. And yes, I wanted to use VagrantTV to help raise awareness for his side projects and his beautiful organization, Reach Out Worldwide. For those things, I will always be grateful VagrantTV existed. But on the flip side of that, as I have said in the past, it truly didn't mean much at all at the end of the day. It wasn't fulfilling to me because it wasn't really carrying any sort of real purpose in the grand scale of the world or in my life. All it was doing by the time 2013 rolled around was distracting me from the more important things I needed to focus on.

I had slowed down and tamed my charade. During that year I had completely disconnected from Paul's ventures and films on the go. I kept a close eye on Reach Out Worldwide however I let the rest of it fade away and just become background static in my mind. In simpler terms, I had lost my interest...  I was stressed, overloaded with schoolwork, and personal matters took priority.

What I didn't realize until later, was that this may have been the most crucial time for that to happen. Several months down the road, I was sitting in a restaurant drinking wine and watching my friend perform with his band in a tiny French bistro on a cold Winter night. Suddenly my phone lit up, continuously vibrating, one after the other after the other. What the hell was I missing?

I excused myself from the table and looked at the 17 new messages I had just received from various individuals I knew. Even people I hadn't heard from in a few years. The first one I opened up seemed surreal. It read, "Is it just a hoax? Or was Paul Walker truly in a horrible accident?" Something about that didn't add up to me. I remembered several days before hand, there was actually an internet hoax going around that something had happened to him. I thought to myself, "Nah, that's just another story." But then I got a gut-retching feeling in my stomach and a lump began to form in my throat. I opened up the next message from another friend of mine. It read, "I am so sorry to hear about your fallen hero," Again, another moment of disbelief flooded me. There was just no way.

I hadn't paid much attention to any of the latest news or press about Paul in the last few months at that time, so I didn't even have a clue as to what he was working on or where he was, or what he was even doing. I knew Furious 7 was on a short break, but I never gave anything a second thought. I just assumed Paul was doing what he did best - juggling his passions, his charity, family and his career. I never guessed where he was at 3pm that fateful afternoon.

I quickly scanned through the remainder of the messages on my phone, and each one carried the same somber tone. Question after question, condolence after condolence, I realized that this might actually be true. I did a quick search on Google before I saw it - the scene of the accident. This time was no hoax. Paul was truly gone.

Stricken mostly by shock like the rest of the world, I didn't know how to react that first night. I went back to my table, sat down silently, and zoned out in tune with the music. The person I was sitting with looked over at me and said, "Are you alright? You look like you just saw a ghost." I explained everything. I told him how I didn't really know how I was feeling. I had abandoned VagrantTV, I had disconnected completely. This man that I admired for so many years, I just assumed he was always going to be there. He was the invincible guy, remember? The one who did all the cool action scenes and outlived all of the villains.  It just didn't make sense to me that out of the blue like that, he was gone. My thoughts instantly went to his family. To his daughter. His father, mother, and his siblings. What were they going through? What about his friends?

That was truly all I could think about.

As messed up as it sounds, I let it go for the rest of the night. I decided that I wasn't going to pursue the information I had just learned, and I didn't want to go looking for answers. I couldn't understand it at all. It just didn't seem real. I'm still not entirely sure if it was all shock that led me to remain silent without a wave of horrendous grief, or if it was that I felt like I was supposed to disconnect for a little while so that the pain in that moment wouldn't consume me. Guaranteed, had I been in that restaurant one year earlier, I would have collapsed onto the table with my head buried into my hands.

It wasn't until the next night that it truly began to sink in. Paul was really taken from this world.

I knew that it was going to take a long time for his friends and for his family to process what had happened. I knew that the world was going to gasp, react, and mourn publicly. But truthfully, I just couldn't bring myself to do that. His official Facebook page had announced the news and made it all become a reality. A reality that none of us were ready or willing to accept.

As much as I felt about his passing, there was something in me that wouldn't allow me to write about it back then. I think the only thing I was capable of doing at that time was just absorbing the news, and trying to make any sense out of it that I could. I just truly couldn't put myself in the place of his family and friends. I knew that they would grieve heavily for a long time. I know that the grieving never really stops, or ends. But I truly believed at that time the best way to honor Paul's memory was by appreciating his memory - and learning from his experiences and example. I searched desperately to find meaning in his death. I reached out to a close friend of mine whom I met through the earlier years of VagrantTV and collaborated on a few projects with. After talking with her I realized that the only thing we could do was appreciate who he was as a person and take away any lessons we could from such a time of tragedy.

I realized it couldn't have been easy for his family to process such a loss when there was such an outcry of pain and sadness from the world. His and Roger Rodas' deaths were so exposed, so public, I didn't feel that it would have been right to add more attention to such a difficult time in their lives.

Besides, I was left speechless.

I had returned briefly to VagrantTV's Facebook page announcing that I would be working on some kind of a tribute for Paul. But I knew that the only tribute that would have given me any type of closure at all, would be to go out and make the most of my life in any way that I could. To be a better person. To spread more love, more good, and more care in this world. To appreciate the little things that make life so sweet. That was truly the best tribute of all.

No video I could make, no words I could write and no posts I could share would encompass my feelings of sadness, grief and condolences towards his family. There just simply was no way I could ever express myself about how much he had impacted my life and the lessons I learned from his thoughtful insight. I eventually decided that I didn't want to even try. I just wanted to let him rest for the first time, and allow his family the space they likely needed.

Fast-forward back to where we are now. To nearly three years later, after his death. As I sit and reflect on what Paul has taught me over the years, and what experiences I gained from it all, I realized that one of the most important things we can do is appreciate. I went back and looked through some of the earliest posts I had made from years ago, and remembered the fun, excitement and pride I felt back then. Those were genuine feelings, despite what I always believed about "the importance" of the work I did. Still, not much of it truly meant anything, but I sincerely enjoyed and appreciated the ride while it lasted.

Just like one of Paul's ocean waves.

Now at the age of 25, I have had more opportunities to practice what I have learned over the years. I started pursuing new interests, hobbies, and even chasing after new goals. I have been more focused on building strong, life-lasting and loyal friendships with many incredible people, reciprocating and paying forward little acts of generosity and kindness I have been so lucky to receive here and there, and even ensuring a more healthy, balanced lifestyle by participating in new activities and a cleaner diet. I guess my point in all of this is, through Paul's spirit, and his legacy, I have learned to respect the world around me, as well as the people we share this planet with, and myself a lot more than I ever thought I would, or could.

He has helped me see things in a higher, healthier, and happier perspective.

For that, I will always be grateful.

I decided to return to VagrantTV at this time to share with the world that same spirit that so deeply touched and impacted my life in such a positive way. With a more in-balance lifestyle, I felt like it was the right timing and being in a better head-space for a big ol' reunion. I have no true agenda or goals for what I want VagrantTV to become in the near future - I merely want to return to it as a hobby, as a tool to raise awareness for the various organizations and foundations in Paul's name, and as something we can all enjoy and fondly remember our mutual inspiration.

So we meet again.

Be good to yourself, and to each other. That's what Paul would have wanted for the world.

Until next time, thank you for your support, for your patience, and for your time reading this essay.

Much love to you + happy new year my friends.

VagrantTV

Why I Got Put In Check

Welcome back. 

 I thought I'd write another blog today - it has been quite some time now since I have written an entry but today I was feeling like it was the right time to sit down and get my thoughts in order. 


Lately I have been thinking a lot about VagrantTV and what it actually means to me. I know that recently, everything that has had to do with this web-based fan organization has been revolving around Paul Walker's work and ways I've been trying to get myself involved with his non-profit. To be truly honest about things, none of this is what I really wanted out of VagrantTV. Never did I intend for it to "grow" this big and reach this many people, and never did I intend for Paul to become minimally involved with the network of Twitter and come into contact with his fan base and occasionally step in and spread a bit of the word of projects that I along with many others have been working on. (e.g. Day of Hope) When all of this began to happen, I feel as though VagrantTV took a turn down a path that I tried desperately not to follow since the beginning. After these small moments here and there, I found myself using VagrantTV merely for the purpose of thinking it was something good. What I began here, really isn't anything at all. All this is, is a simple idea that somehow became involved with one too many things. 


I have no experience, I have no knowledge nor do I have any legitimate ties that make VagrantTV a substantial organization. It's difficult to call it an organization when that's not how it should be classified either - the truth behind it all is that it is an alias that I tend to use when trying to connect myself to various topics related to Paul Walker. I have been portraying VagrantTV as this incredible, fan-based community that is here to help spread word about the non-profit and share media with other fans. However, as I began to start out saying, I haven't had any true right to any of this nor is it anything to become proud of. VagrantTV is a simple idea. It's my alias, it's a YouTube channel. It is not God's gift to Paul Walker nor Reach Out Worldwide and it is certainly nothing to be excited over. I have used and abused VagrantTV in a way that is terribly embarrassing and shameful. I have been using it selfishly, trying to fulfill my own goals of helping ROWW and making a name for itself. 


It is none of these things.


I was put into check today, and as I write this, I feel a great sense of shame and indeed embarrassment once more. I was watching a simple interview over the internet of Paul Walker sitting down with several interviewers as he began to speak about his passions: marine biology, health and medicine, his daughter, nature, and helping others. As he spoke, he spoke intensely and selflessly about every topic he so chose. In the interview he began to talk about his trip down to Haiti and seeing the devastation that surrounded the places they visited. At one point during the interview, he made a comment about being amongst the rubble with many onlookers not knowing how to proceed... and off in the distance he spotted Anderson Cooper climbing the destruction and staring into the camera in front of him. Paul laughed and in a jokingly manner stated that he knew Anderson was acting and was "a poser". In the middle of all the true unhappiness and realness of the situation, Anderson stood on top of a pile, delivering word about what was going on but not actually being a part of what was going on around him. 

This struck me. 


I have no right to even consider myself comparable to Anderson Cooper, but for simplicities sake, I am going to say, that for the first time since I began this crusade - I felt like Anderson - I was an actor, a poser. 


That is what VagrantTV has become. 


After Paul had made that comment, I knew that I had to change what I was doing. I was ashamed and no longer wanted to be a part of that realm - the part that stands back, watches what is going on, and does nothing more than comment on the situation or "pretend" that its making a difference. Everything I have done up to this point has been nothing but a true embarrassment. If I was being true to myself, if I really wanted to be someone who could support Paul in his efforts and help, I wouldn't need these grand gestures. In the end, it's about quality, not quantity. Has anything I have done thus far actually made a difference? Have my cheesy logos and t-shirt designs on the internet really helped anything? Has my YouTube channel REALLY generated revenue that's even noticeable? (no.)


I am not saying these things for attention or condolence, I am stating these things as fact. I have become the person that I least wanted to be - a whiny, obnoxious, high-maintenance fan girl who is waving her arms violently trying to make some sort of an idiotic statement... all in the name of making myself sleep better at night. Pathetic. 


The interview that I saw today with Paul... he spoke so candidly. Passionately. The tone of his voice, the excitement in his eyes and gestures - he was the real deal. He's not out there doing good things to make himself look good or impress others... he's doing them because he feels it. It's who he is, and it's what he wants to do. THAT is what the purpose of VagrantTV should be. I have lost sight of that. Even now, as I write this, I am embarrassed... I know it's unnecessary and out in the real world, no one gives a fuck what I have to say, especially since I don't have anything to offer. Writing this is just one more obnoxious act to add to the list of things I've already done - in real life, no one would ever do such a thing. No one would make outrageous manifestos like this. I'm sure if Paul knew me in real life, he would feel that way too. 


From what I can see, and from what I have learned from him - it's all about being subtle. Being genuine. Being "low-maintenance". I have ruined that deeply for myself, and I highly regret it. So, once this entry is done, that is the end of gestures like this - it's not needed. VagrantTV will continue on, posting, updating, sharing great things about Paul Walker as we all would enjoy, however as for my efforts and involvement - I'll just donate and do that on my own time. 


I do deeply apologize for having written this cry for attention, (which I never intended it to be either) and I do deeply apologize for the way I have abused VagrantTV. 


I appreciate each one of you, and all the support you have shown for VagrantTV along with Paul Walker and his charitable foundation, Reach Out Worldwide. Despite the many kind words you have all shared over the past few months, I sincerely feel undeserving of them. Please do not leave comments nor respond to this essay - I wrote it only to express my apologies and sincerity. VagrantTV is a hobby - something I should enjoy doing. I have taken it much too seriously lately and it became a symbol of something I never wanted it to be. 

Thank you for taking the time to read my thoughts, and for understanding what I have just said. That couldn't have been an easy task. 


I will do my best to continue with VagrantTV as I originally had wanted it to be - just a fun extra-curricular project that allows fans like myself to look into the window of who Paul Walker really is... a real person, a humanitarian, a good human being. Here is the interview.

I shall aspire to take on his mentality and become more like him. Quiet, peaceful, and just enjoying life. 

ROWW Day of Hope

Hello again, Paul Walker fans!

Here it is - another pay it forward project... but this time, with MUCH more meaning. VagrantTV has teamed up with two lovely ladies via Twitter; @Ramseyfan and @Paulgasm47. Together, we are organizing an event of the season... the "ROWW Day of Hope". On December 11th, we would like YOU to become a part of this project. In fact, we would not be able to do it without you.

We are asking each and every Paul Walker fan via Twitter and Facebook, to help us give Paul Walker, Reach Out Worldwide, and most importantly, those affected by natural disaster a holiday gift they will never forget. All it takes is a $5.00 donation to www.ROWW.org  from each individual person on Dec. 11. Imagine the possibilites that $5 from all 300,000 Paul Walker fans could accomplish through Reach Out!

We're hoping that if you take the time to participate on December 11th and donate to this worthy cause, we will really change people's lives and make a difference in the world.

But don't forget - we need ALL of you to make it work. So, give us a hand by helping spread the word to those you know... (and those you don't) and let's make this happen!

For all of the information on this project and how it works, please visit the "ROWW Day of Hope" official Facebook page here: http://tinyurl.com/2vd8tc4

Thank you VERY much for your time and consideration everyone... we hope that you'll join us!
Be the change you want to see in the world... and as Paul Walker would say, "Be good to one another."

Cheers, see you on the other side.
VagrantTV

VagrantTV T-Shirts Now Available - 100% of Profit to ROWW

Hey fans,

Thank you so much for all of your interest and support toward VagrantTV. As you know, I am not
Paul Walker himself. This community was developed by a fan, for the fans. With that said, I just wanted to clear the air & let you know the details behind this new campaign!

I received a suggestion to create VGTV logo t-shirts. When I first heard of this idea, I disregarded it immediately because I didn't believe selling "Non-Branded" merchandise for profit was appropriate. After all, this small independent fan project was no reason to market. All VagrantTV is about, is "the real side of Paul Walker". The channel was made merely for entertainment purposes and to engage with other fans. If anyone was to receive loyalties from VagrantTV, I believed it would only make sense for Paul or another source to accept.

After giving it some time, I thought that perhaps creating t-shirts with the Reach Out Worldwide URL would be a good way to promote awareness. When I looked in to online merchandise companies, I saw that I could display designs in an online store and the public could choose the style/shirt of their choice. So in the end, I thought that taking all of the profits and donating them to Paul's disaster relief foundation would be a good solution.

All in all, from each t-shirt sold in our online store, 100% of the profit will go towards Reach Out Worldwide on a non-partnered, individually chosen basis. I think it will be a good and fun way to raise awareness as well as money for this incredible cause.

Please note that this is a beta period to see how this idea is received by fans, supporters, and by Paul Walker. If any problems or issues occur, VagrantTV's online store will be terminated. If you have more questions or concerns, please email me at VagrantTV@gmail.com.

Visit Reach Out Worldwide's website to donate directly:
www.ROWW.org

Visit VagrantTV's online store:
www.Zazzle.ca/VagrantTV

Thanks everyone!
Cheers

Thanks for Making the 201st Upload Special

Hello again Fans!

I'm very happy to say that the 201st video upload was a great success. There were many submissions of messages, and I am very thankful that you all could have been a part of it! So thanks for everything, you have been wonderful supporters for the past two years.

The video was sent to Paul Walker via Twitter this afternoon... and I'm VERY happy to say that he had the rare opportunity to watch! It makes it all worth while, I'll tell you that much. He pleasantly sent a shout out for all that contributed... he Tweeted:

"WOW!!!... that's about all I can say...thanks a TON for the kind words and for all the support in the vid for www.ROWW.org...RT @VagrantTV"

Congratulations fans! You all deserve it. And I thank you too, from the bottom of my heart, for supporting me and allowing me to continue to do this. It's been a fun ride!

I hope to upload more videos shortly... no exclusives, just a few fun web clips for you to enjoy.
Be good, and stay tuned!

Love,
VagrantTV

To watch the video, "Your Fans Say Hello, Paul Walker" click here.

Send PAUL WALKER a Message!

Hi everyone,

I'd like to first thank you for being so supportive of VagrantTV over the past two years. For something that started out as being a hobby, it has really turned into something I had never expected. As much as the channel has grown over time, I still have higher hopes of it becoming something more - something useful, something important. It's hard to say that those wishes will ever come true, since after all, it is just a YouTube gig. However, while it's here and while it's lasting, I would like to make it count... as much as possible.

While in the midst of sharing a much more passionate and real side to Paul Walker, helping him raise awareness for his disaster relief fund Reach Out Worldwide, and bringing his fans closer to his "non-Hollywood" style of living... I thought it would be fun to create a new project strictly for the fans. So here's the deal: in celebration of our 200th upload, I'd like to create a compilation of special messages from each one of you... to Paul Walker. Your personal message will be included in our next video, along with the others, and the video will be released to VagrantTV's YouTube channel, Facebook page, MySpace page, Twitter account and of course - will be sent directly to Paul himself.

How does that sound? Are you up for it? Are you ready to make VagrantTV's 201st video SPECIAL?!

I sure hope so. Because I sure am.

I'd really like to give something back to all of you dedicated PW fans for bringing your constant support of VagrantTV to the table every day. I think it's only appropriate to flaunt you fans to Paul Walker, after two years of flaunting Paul Walker to you fans. So, if you're interested in sending him a special message for the next video, check out the deets below:

TERMS & CONDITIONS

-The special message must be a MAXIMUM of 35 words or less
-Must be appropriate for ALL ages - no use of profanity, discrimination, or sexual comments
-Recommended to be written in English
-Must be submitted to VagrantTV via Email, Facebook posts/messenging, YouTube messenging, Twitter, or posted to the bottom of this blog entry
-By submitting your special message to VagrantTV, you are accepting and agreeing to PUBLIC USE (E.g. Message will be included in video, posted to YouTube, Twitter, Facebook, MySpace, and any outside sources that may view or share the video link to third-party websites)
-Only one message per person will be used in the video

-Your special message MUST be submitted before or on the date of October 16th, 2010 - 12:00am CST

-Each message will be viewed and processed the following day of end time

-***PLEASE NOTE*** that depending on content, your message may be modified and/or rejected if violations against Terms & Conditions occur

Disclaimer:
VagrantTV is in no way, personally affiliated with Paul Walker, his relatives, agents, managers or any company that could have contact with him. This is merely run by a fan. The video displaying the messages will be sent directly to Paul via social utility "Twitter" but cannot fully gurantee that it will be viewed and/or responded to. Any response received shall be highlighted on VagrantTV's various internet sources (Blogspot, Facebook, MySpace, Twitter & YouTube) so please do not contact me about any response given until possible further notice.

---HOW TO SEND YOUR MESSAGE TO VAGRANTTV---
Please send your special message for Paul Walker to VagrantTV in one or more of the following ways specified:

1. Email your message to: VagrantTV@gmail.com or click here
2. Post your message as a comment on our channel here
3. Send your message via YouTube direct messaging here
4. Send your message via Facebook profile messaging here
5. Post your message on our Facebook page wall here
6. Send your message as a Tweet on our Twitter page here or "@VagrantTV"
7. Send your message via Twitter direct messaging here
8. Post your message as a comment on our blog here
9. Send your message via MySpace direct messaging here
10. Post your message as a comment on our MySpace page here

If you have any questions, comments, or concerns about this project, let me know by emailing me here

Good luck and happy writing! Tell Paul we say hi! :-)

Take care,
VagrantTV

Starting Up a Blog!

Hey VagrantTV followers,

I'm just testing out this new blogging service for all of you to stay up to date on the latest news from VagrantTV.
I will be honest by saying this first post is really boring, and merely a test to see what it will look like everytime I post.

The end,

Cheers