Welcome back.
I thought I'd write another blog today - it has been quite some time now since I have written an entry but today I was feeling like it was the right time to sit down and get my thoughts in order.
Lately I have been thinking a lot about VagrantTV and what it actually means to me. I know that recently, everything that has had to do with this web-based fan organization has been revolving around Paul Walker's work and ways I've been trying to get myself involved with his non-profit. To be truly honest about things, none of this is what I really wanted out of VagrantTV. Never did I intend for it to "grow" this big and reach this many people, and never did I intend for Paul to become minimally involved with the network of Twitter and come into contact with his fan base and occasionally step in and spread a bit of the word of projects that I along with many others have been working on. (e.g. Day of Hope) When all of this began to happen, I feel as though VagrantTV took a turn down a path that I tried desperately not to follow since the beginning. After these small moments here and there, I found myself using VagrantTV merely for the purpose of thinking it was something good. What I began here, really isn't anything at all. All this is, is a simple idea that somehow became involved with one too many things.
I have no experience, I have no knowledge nor do I have any legitimate ties that make VagrantTV a substantial organization. It's difficult to call it an organization when that's not how it should be classified either - the truth behind it all is that it is an alias that I tend to use when trying to connect myself to various topics related to Paul Walker. I have been portraying VagrantTV as this incredible, fan-based community that is here to help spread word about the non-profit and share media with other fans. However, as I began to start out saying, I haven't had any true right to any of this nor is it anything to become proud of. VagrantTV is a simple idea. It's my alias, it's a YouTube channel. It is not God's gift to Paul Walker nor Reach Out Worldwide and it is certainly nothing to be excited over. I have used and abused VagrantTV in a way that is terribly embarrassing and shameful. I have been using it selfishly, trying to fulfill my own goals of helping ROWW and making a name for itself.
It is none of these things.
I was put into check today, and as I write this, I feel a great sense of shame and indeed embarrassment once more. I was watching a simple interview over the internet of Paul Walker sitting down with several interviewers as he began to speak about his passions: marine biology, health and medicine, his daughter, nature, and helping others. As he spoke, he spoke intensely and selflessly about every topic he so chose. In the interview he began to talk about his trip down to Haiti and seeing the devastation that surrounded the places they visited. At one point during the interview, he made a comment about being amongst the rubble with many onlookers not knowing how to proceed... and off in the distance he spotted Anderson Cooper climbing the destruction and staring into the camera in front of him. Paul laughed and in a jokingly manner stated that he knew Anderson was acting and was "a poser". In the middle of all the true unhappiness and realness of the situation, Anderson stood on top of a pile, delivering word about what was going on but not actually being a part of what was going on around him.
This struck me.
I have no right to even consider myself comparable to Anderson Cooper, but for simplicities sake, I am going to say, that for the first time since I began this crusade - I felt like Anderson - I was an actor, a poser.
That is what VagrantTV has become.
After Paul had made that comment, I knew that I had to change what I was doing. I was ashamed and no longer wanted to be a part of that realm - the part that stands back, watches what is going on, and does nothing more than comment on the situation or "pretend" that its making a difference. Everything I have done up to this point has been nothing but a true embarrassment. If I was being true to myself, if I really wanted to be someone who could support Paul in his efforts and help, I wouldn't need these grand gestures. In the end, it's about quality, not quantity. Has anything I have done thus far actually made a difference? Have my cheesy logos and t-shirt designs on the internet really helped anything? Has my YouTube channel REALLY generated revenue that's even noticeable? (no.)
I am not saying these things for attention or condolence, I am stating these things as fact. I have become the person that I least wanted to be - a whiny, obnoxious, high-maintenance fan girl who is waving her arms violently trying to make some sort of an idiotic statement... all in the name of making myself sleep better at night. Pathetic.
The interview that I saw today with Paul... he spoke so candidly. Passionately. The tone of his voice, the excitement in his eyes and gestures - he was the real deal. He's not out there doing good things to make himself look good or impress others... he's doing them because he feels it. It's who he is, and it's what he wants to do. THAT is what the purpose of VagrantTV should be. I have lost sight of that. Even now, as I write this, I am embarrassed... I know it's unnecessary and out in the real world, no one gives a fuck what I have to say, especially since I don't have anything to offer. Writing this is just one more obnoxious act to add to the list of things I've already done - in real life, no one would ever do such a thing. No one would make outrageous manifestos like this. I'm sure if Paul knew me in real life, he would feel that way too.
From what I can see, and from what I have learned from him - it's all about being subtle. Being genuine. Being "low-maintenance". I have ruined that deeply for myself, and I highly regret it. So, once this entry is done, that is the end of gestures like this - it's not needed. VagrantTV will continue on, posting, updating, sharing great things about Paul Walker as we all would enjoy, however as for my efforts and involvement - I'll just donate and do that on my own time.
I do deeply apologize for having written this cry for attention, (which I never intended it to be either) and I do deeply apologize for the way I have abused VagrantTV.
I appreciate each one of you, and all the support you have shown for VagrantTV along with Paul Walker and his charitable foundation, Reach Out Worldwide. Despite the many kind words you have all shared over the past few months, I sincerely feel undeserving of them. Please do not leave comments nor respond to this essay - I wrote it only to express my apologies and sincerity. VagrantTV is a hobby - something I should enjoy doing. I have taken it much too seriously lately and it became a symbol of something I never wanted it to be.
Thank you for taking the time to read my thoughts, and for understanding what I have just said. That couldn't have been an easy task.
I will do my best to continue with VagrantTV as I originally had wanted it to be - just a fun extra-curricular project that allows fans like myself to look into the window of who Paul Walker really is... a real person, a humanitarian, a good human being. Here is the interview.
I shall aspire to take on his mentality and become more like him. Quiet, peaceful, and just enjoying life.
