So We Meet Again

A lot can change in just three years.

After a long and much needed hiatus, I am here now, returning to this abandoned ship I call VagrantTV. But something about this still feels strange... it feels... awkward. Like a baby fawn trying to stand up on its own legs after several failed attempts and continuously wobbling and collapsing. In a way it feels like maybe I shouldn't even bother to write this now, but in another, I still feel that old echo from years ago, the one that always comes back to haunt me. The echo that whispers, "Conclude things properly."

That is certainly one thing I haven't been able to do with VagrantTV since Paul's passing in 2013.

So what was it, exactly? What was it that had changed so drastically in that span of time? Well I haven't been able to come up with a straight answer for myself just yet, but as I sit here and write this to you, I will do my best to dissect what I know, feel, and remember. I suppose the best way for me to work this out in my head would be to go back and revisit where VagrantTV was back in 2013.

Let's rewind.

Two-thousand-thirteen. The year I was starting the process of disconnect. During that time in my life, I was in a much different place. The beginning of the year, while Paul was still with us, I had zero focus on my hobbies and extra-curricular activities. I was up and over my head, busting my ass trying to make my way through first-year college. I was studying graphic design and video production at the time, with a heavy course load, and VagrantTV was no longer an important part of my life. As a matter of fact, I distinctly remember, I had basically waved a white flag, surrendering to things long since passed... none of it no longer felt useful or served much purpose in my life.

That may sound ungrateful for me to say. VagrantTV gave me a lot, and taught me a lot. Not only did it spark my inner-design geek, but it allowed me to play around with Photoshop and a horribly amateur graphic design. It was the perfect outlet for me throughout highschool and in later years, as it was a fun interest of mine and something that I truly enjoyed doing just for the fun of it. But at a certain point, I realized it was no longer what I wanted it to be. Something inside me had changed. None of it felt genuine or playful anymore. I was beginning to take something that started as a joke and as a hobby much too seriously. (See our previous blog entry, "Why I Got Put In Check")

Keeping all of that in mind, I was in a time of transition in my life. I had learned some life lessons here and there about myself, about what I needed and wanted out of life. I was finally beginning to understand what life was truly about - living it - and I took a few tips from Paul himself. He always encouraged his fans to go and lead their own lives, discover themselves, following their own interests instead of spending and wasting their time Googling pictures of him on the Internet - he always encouraged his fans to go outside and do something. Live your own life and take some risks already. Enough with this Internet fandom bullshit.

Or something like that.

Clearly, that wasn't a direct quote out of his mouth. But it's certainly what he lead by example. I think a lot of us got really caught up in the whole social networking craze when Paul Walker jumped on board and started interacting with his fans online. That's how it was for me, anyway. I mean, don't get me wrong, I was always a computer geek at heart... but instead of going out into the real world and living out my own experiences - I would just stay inside, flipping through my Facebook and Twitter feeds, reading about other people's experiences. That just wasn't fulfilling enough for me anymore.

I got to a certain point where I looked at myself and said, "Man, you know what? I'm 22 years old and I haven't really put myself out there yet. What have I truly brought to this world, other than my self-deprecating thoughts, a head full of anxiety and limitations, and a website dedicated to just another guy I admire? I need to start something new."

So there I was, scrambling to find answers, scrambling to find whatever it was I was looking for, some kind of purpose for my existence. I re-evaluated what the Hell it was I was doing. I was starting to become embarrassed of myself and of my life - and VagrantTV, believe it or not, was a part of that. I kept thinking to myself, "I need to take a lesson from this man I keep calling an inspiration to me. I keep hearing about all these amazing things he accomplishes, but how does he do it? Well for starters, he goes out into the world, and he does it."

So with that, the beginning of 2013, I decided to chill out with the whole VagrantTV thing, essentially closed that chapter off in my life, and enrolled myself in college. That was when I finally decided to let go of my "Paul Walker obsession". When I call it an "obsession", I don't mean to say that he was never a man of inspiration to me. He's always been that. I will always admire and respect Paul for his spirit and the things that he stood for in life. He will always be my hero. He's inspired myself as well as countless amounts of others to be the best person that they can be. It was contagious. But I think VagrantTV just magnified my interest in him maybe a little bit too much - yes, I truly wanted to use VagrantTV to shed light on his real side, the more personal aspects of him that many of his fans never really got to see on the big screen. And yes, I wanted to use VagrantTV to help raise awareness for his side projects and his beautiful organization, Reach Out Worldwide. For those things, I will always be grateful VagrantTV existed. But on the flip side of that, as I have said in the past, it truly didn't mean much at all at the end of the day. It wasn't fulfilling to me because it wasn't really carrying any sort of real purpose in the grand scale of the world or in my life. All it was doing by the time 2013 rolled around was distracting me from the more important things I needed to focus on.

I had slowed down and tamed my charade. During that year I had completely disconnected from Paul's ventures and films on the go. I kept a close eye on Reach Out Worldwide however I let the rest of it fade away and just become background static in my mind. In simpler terms, I had lost my interest...  I was stressed, overloaded with schoolwork, and personal matters took priority.

What I didn't realize until later, was that this may have been the most crucial time for that to happen. Several months down the road, I was sitting in a restaurant drinking wine and watching my friend perform with his band in a tiny French bistro on a cold Winter night. Suddenly my phone lit up, continuously vibrating, one after the other after the other. What the hell was I missing?

I excused myself from the table and looked at the 17 new messages I had just received from various individuals I knew. Even people I hadn't heard from in a few years. The first one I opened up seemed surreal. It read, "Is it just a hoax? Or was Paul Walker truly in a horrible accident?" Something about that didn't add up to me. I remembered several days before hand, there was actually an internet hoax going around that something had happened to him. I thought to myself, "Nah, that's just another story." But then I got a gut-retching feeling in my stomach and a lump began to form in my throat. I opened up the next message from another friend of mine. It read, "I am so sorry to hear about your fallen hero," Again, another moment of disbelief flooded me. There was just no way.

I hadn't paid much attention to any of the latest news or press about Paul in the last few months at that time, so I didn't even have a clue as to what he was working on or where he was, or what he was even doing. I knew Furious 7 was on a short break, but I never gave anything a second thought. I just assumed Paul was doing what he did best - juggling his passions, his charity, family and his career. I never guessed where he was at 3pm that fateful afternoon.

I quickly scanned through the remainder of the messages on my phone, and each one carried the same somber tone. Question after question, condolence after condolence, I realized that this might actually be true. I did a quick search on Google before I saw it - the scene of the accident. This time was no hoax. Paul was truly gone.

Stricken mostly by shock like the rest of the world, I didn't know how to react that first night. I went back to my table, sat down silently, and zoned out in tune with the music. The person I was sitting with looked over at me and said, "Are you alright? You look like you just saw a ghost." I explained everything. I told him how I didn't really know how I was feeling. I had abandoned VagrantTV, I had disconnected completely. This man that I admired for so many years, I just assumed he was always going to be there. He was the invincible guy, remember? The one who did all the cool action scenes and outlived all of the villains.  It just didn't make sense to me that out of the blue like that, he was gone. My thoughts instantly went to his family. To his daughter. His father, mother, and his siblings. What were they going through? What about his friends?

That was truly all I could think about.

As messed up as it sounds, I let it go for the rest of the night. I decided that I wasn't going to pursue the information I had just learned, and I didn't want to go looking for answers. I couldn't understand it at all. It just didn't seem real. I'm still not entirely sure if it was all shock that led me to remain silent without a wave of horrendous grief, or if it was that I felt like I was supposed to disconnect for a little while so that the pain in that moment wouldn't consume me. Guaranteed, had I been in that restaurant one year earlier, I would have collapsed onto the table with my head buried into my hands.

It wasn't until the next night that it truly began to sink in. Paul was really taken from this world.

I knew that it was going to take a long time for his friends and for his family to process what had happened. I knew that the world was going to gasp, react, and mourn publicly. But truthfully, I just couldn't bring myself to do that. His official Facebook page had announced the news and made it all become a reality. A reality that none of us were ready or willing to accept.

As much as I felt about his passing, there was something in me that wouldn't allow me to write about it back then. I think the only thing I was capable of doing at that time was just absorbing the news, and trying to make any sense out of it that I could. I just truly couldn't put myself in the place of his family and friends. I knew that they would grieve heavily for a long time. I know that the grieving never really stops, or ends. But I truly believed at that time the best way to honor Paul's memory was by appreciating his memory - and learning from his experiences and example. I searched desperately to find meaning in his death. I reached out to a close friend of mine whom I met through the earlier years of VagrantTV and collaborated on a few projects with. After talking with her I realized that the only thing we could do was appreciate who he was as a person and take away any lessons we could from such a time of tragedy.

I realized it couldn't have been easy for his family to process such a loss when there was such an outcry of pain and sadness from the world. His and Roger Rodas' deaths were so exposed, so public, I didn't feel that it would have been right to add more attention to such a difficult time in their lives.

Besides, I was left speechless.

I had returned briefly to VagrantTV's Facebook page announcing that I would be working on some kind of a tribute for Paul. But I knew that the only tribute that would have given me any type of closure at all, would be to go out and make the most of my life in any way that I could. To be a better person. To spread more love, more good, and more care in this world. To appreciate the little things that make life so sweet. That was truly the best tribute of all.

No video I could make, no words I could write and no posts I could share would encompass my feelings of sadness, grief and condolences towards his family. There just simply was no way I could ever express myself about how much he had impacted my life and the lessons I learned from his thoughtful insight. I eventually decided that I didn't want to even try. I just wanted to let him rest for the first time, and allow his family the space they likely needed.

Fast-forward back to where we are now. To nearly three years later, after his death. As I sit and reflect on what Paul has taught me over the years, and what experiences I gained from it all, I realized that one of the most important things we can do is appreciate. I went back and looked through some of the earliest posts I had made from years ago, and remembered the fun, excitement and pride I felt back then. Those were genuine feelings, despite what I always believed about "the importance" of the work I did. Still, not much of it truly meant anything, but I sincerely enjoyed and appreciated the ride while it lasted.

Just like one of Paul's ocean waves.

Now at the age of 25, I have had more opportunities to practice what I have learned over the years. I started pursuing new interests, hobbies, and even chasing after new goals. I have been more focused on building strong, life-lasting and loyal friendships with many incredible people, reciprocating and paying forward little acts of generosity and kindness I have been so lucky to receive here and there, and even ensuring a more healthy, balanced lifestyle by participating in new activities and a cleaner diet. I guess my point in all of this is, through Paul's spirit, and his legacy, I have learned to respect the world around me, as well as the people we share this planet with, and myself a lot more than I ever thought I would, or could.

He has helped me see things in a higher, healthier, and happier perspective.

For that, I will always be grateful.

I decided to return to VagrantTV at this time to share with the world that same spirit that so deeply touched and impacted my life in such a positive way. With a more in-balance lifestyle, I felt like it was the right timing and being in a better head-space for a big ol' reunion. I have no true agenda or goals for what I want VagrantTV to become in the near future - I merely want to return to it as a hobby, as a tool to raise awareness for the various organizations and foundations in Paul's name, and as something we can all enjoy and fondly remember our mutual inspiration.

So we meet again.

Be good to yourself, and to each other. That's what Paul would have wanted for the world.

Until next time, thank you for your support, for your patience, and for your time reading this essay.

Much love to you + happy new year my friends.

VagrantTV